By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
