I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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