we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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