Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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