I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
