I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
