Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dick very happy bro
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
