The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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