Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
