I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
