im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
