No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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