You can't motorboat a personality
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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