Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
