i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
