I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
