She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
