my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
