you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
