She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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