Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
