My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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