my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
