is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
