my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
