We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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