I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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