I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
