I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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