I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
