you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
