I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Randomize
