I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
