I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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