if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
