I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
being pregnant is like rehab
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
