Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
