Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
