I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
