Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
