Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
