i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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