Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She bit a glass in half.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
