my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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