Cold hands, warm shart.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
