it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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