Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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