did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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