Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
