First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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