My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
