Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
