...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
