dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
