It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
