My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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